Just another fragile angel heart falling down on lead wings torn apart. [entries|friends|calendar] Samantha [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[16 Jan 2009|11:35am] I have made a great distance between myself and the rest of the world. I have lived the past 10 years of my life giving too much attention to all the chaos and toxic people. I don't know who I am at all in the midst of this. I have heard over and over "The company you keep is a mirrored image of yourself." The last thing I ever wanted to be was a liar, cheater, passive, gossip. That seems to be the only people who give me attention in London. I want to grow spiritually and evolve. I am constantly backed into a corner with the memories and pain I have endured. I get sick of complaining and looking for reasons to back down when it comes to my life. I feel like I am two minds in a body, one that is ambitious and wants to do new things. Then the one who holds back and believes I am nothing more then a failure. I am trying to spend time getting to know myself and learn who I really am. But every time my inquiries give me some sort of glimpse in I see myself as a miserable person who has been very affected by the messes surrounding me. I can't get past it all. I am a person who likes male attention, likes to be admired and to feel good about myself. When I meet someone who respects me I run. When I meet someone who cheats on me, mentally abuses me, I cling. I don't understand that part of me. All I have ever wanted in my life was to be loved and to give love. ♥

[11 Sep 2004|12:23pm] today I -slept in for the fist time in over a week. -talked to stefan and camille -went to work -got paid a dollar more for training some new girl. -cried at work for feeling so tired and sick and having a very stressful time -finished my pack of cigarettes, and as i promised, quit smoking again. -dan really finished my cigarette because someone came to order takeout and i had to leave, it made me sad. -got carried around for most of my shift by dan and brad. -got whip creamed in my face by dan. -got throw into a sink with running water by dan. -walked home with chachi. next week i should -open a savings account -book a tattoo apointment before im poor -star on story boards for film. -clean my room -phone my doctor. 1| ♥

[11 Sep 2004|02:19am] last night was nice, the show made me so happy. the singer of bane seriously made my eyes water, haha, the things he said were like most definitly alot of what i have been feeling latley, scary. i enjoyed the show but i wasnt really interested in talking alot. im not talkative latley. i just watched the show and went to get pizza then slept. i miss alot of people, i wish i didnt have other priorities like school and work so i could spend my days hanging out with people i adore. im becoming scared again of everyone i meet, its like i feel a sense of insecurity when i leave my house. even at work i feel like that. i want to cuddle in my bed with people i love and sleep forever! im so lonely. haha xo. 8| ♥

[10 Sep 2004|11:52am] underoath and coheed and cambria are playing the kool haus october 13th. who wants to go on a road trip?! YEAHHHHH!!!!! 4| ♥

[09 Sep 2004|08:23pm] i get headaches in my right eye often because the nerves in the back of my neck get pinched by the knotts i get from stress. and thats why my vision changes so much. crazy, i know. 3| ♥

[08 Sep 2004|07:41pm] I ♥ school? OKAY! 7| ♥

[06 Sep 2004|11:47pm] im already stressing about this year with school and all the other things i have to do, and it hasnt even started. i really am not so aure about night school. i could be working more and saving money if i wasnt going to go. but i need to get done school, and that seems to be a huge importance to me. i also need to get my drivers ed done fairly soon so i can drive in febuary to where ever i need to be. i have to figure out how i can get to work every day really quickly to make this all work out for me. im hoping my program is going to be more in class then out because i dont even think i will have a second to breath. im hoping maybe this year i can handle the stress and not drop everything i start...im going to need alot of support from my friends. latley the thing that has been bothing me is how many of my friends seem to just forget about me when they are in relationships. i make so much effrot to be a good friend but its hard when you feel like you can easily be set aside...even if that person could hurt them and friends are always there...so i feel that im not going to offer that support anymore. i dont feel like being everyones second priority. the people who make the effort to be there are the ones i want in my life the rest can fuck off. i have no more patience for shitty people. im excited to start working toward my future, this is it, the last year before everything lays in my hands. scary because ive watched myself screw everything up, but wonderful because i have pieced my life back many times. farewell for now. 1| ♥

[06 Sep 2004|01:48am] i want a cigarette, or even better a whole pack of them! 10| ♥

[05 Sep 2004|01:07am] today was the fucking best! laurin and i went to toronto. i got a whole lot of new clothes for 'school' aka just lookin good. i spent about 350$ which surprised me. i got a lact long black tank, a pink lacy tank different style, a teal silk long camisole, a black with pink pinstriped blazer, a orange pant dress, a long plain see through tank, a tealy blue cardigan, a black v neck cardigan, a long black swoop neck tshirt, a white leather belt, pearl necklaces, another white belt thats too small but only cost 7 bucks but i can wear it still anyways, china lady white shoes, a teal ball tie up necklace, a choclate fudge muffin..thats all i think. we went to h&m, so amazing, we spent literally four hours and when we went to the change room we each had over 30 thing in our hands. they knew we were from out of town. lol we visited heather and eric, such nice lovely people. i left heather a surprise when she finds it. i got home after an exhausting day and stefan called to see if i wanted to go to sean hauges birthday party. so i went. it was nice seeing old friends for a bit, minus i was sober and no one else was. i talked to sean penington for a bit, hes such a nice boy, stupid but nice. he was telling me about stuff i wrote in his year booke when we were dating and how he holds it close to his heart, but i dont remember what it was exactly. then when stefan millman steve erin camille and melissa were leaving i realized we cant all fit in the car so i walked home and stefan and camille chased me telling me to get a ride, but obviosly they were drunk and cant count. so i walked home and here i am...all safe and sound. i hate the world alot latley and im sick of everyone, tomorrow im going to find teal shoes to match my cardigan and im going to wear my teal with my orange dress shirt thing. goodnight. 7| ♥

[04 Sep 2004|02:18am] today was such an annoyance. fights, makeups, drinking, hating the drinking and quiting, feeling awkward and having a hard time making conversation because everything has changed too much since last year and its scaring me. seeing all the older people i pretty much grew up around and thinking how different i have become since i have indoured such people. im happy but im scared of life and living. i hate the things i hope for always slip away. but im happy to have found such loving people latly to actually care about me. its nice. i hated most of tnoight but the small things inbetween made it so good. chachi saw me walking home alone from downtown when he was so close to home but he walked me all the way to my door and stayed and talked for about fifteen minutes more then sent me to sleep, even thought im not sleeping. but im glad because i was so scared and i regreted leaving laurin...i hope she made it home okay. love love love. 2| ♥

[02 Sep 2004|08:43am] i'm never going to learn to be a mean person and treat people like alot of you treat me. it'd be nice if i could be treated accoring to my actions. and maybe have some respect for the nice things i do for my friends instead of taking advantage of how gracious and forgiving i am by hurting me constantly. 12| ♥

[01 Sep 2004|04:56pm] Dear Ken, today i ate two of your veggie dogs because i dont know if they expire. i figured i wouldnt let them go bad while you are gone, so i ate some. if they dont expire for a long time we should eat the rest together because my bbq likes me eating from it..or something? if you want i can buy you new veggie dogs too because i would. but my tummy is satisfied and i love you for leaving veggie dogs at my house! love, samm. ps, dont drink too much at the wedding you are going to. 4| ♥

[30 Aug 2004|11:42pm] shaking finger tips rattle inside cracked skin. i hold my cigarette close to my plump glossed lips. inhale. hold, absorb. let go. as i breathe with stength i can feel my heart fluttering inside trying ot escape my toxic body. sick with fear, love, hate, anger. emotions rot my heart to the core. my body is sinking into step with the rest of the plastics surrounding me. my figure is as invisable as the rest, the ones who dont know what it is to be real. being something more, caring, worrying never seemed so stranious until you get hit with a rock of reality. a bump on the head makes realizations more possible. its time to free my fluttering insides and follow them to safety, falling into a blur can side track you. i need to get out of my house, i think an escape to something real where i can learn and love it is important to me. i want to finish school but i want to survive with my heart and mind intacct. its not going to stay that way in my crazy fathers house. i need to figure out what to do. i really just want to be alone but its so hard to do that right now... 4| ♥

[29 Aug 2004|10:46pm] my chest is all stuffy, im getting sick. im so stressed. i just want someone to actually care about me. all my friends are preoccupied and i hear from none of them anymore. im working alot this week, i picked up shifts, it helps me focus on things other then how much i hate everything around me. i worked about 30 hours the last two days. scary. i havent eaten or anything because my dad now neglects to buy food. im trying to start saving to get out of my house because another few months of this im sure my dad will have beaten me to death. i had a horrible day, i worked and havent eaten anything. i somehow got stuck doing take out and delivery. so i was supposed ot be done first but since my managers a dick he let the other girl go. he told me he'd help me finish so i could go home because i wasnt feeling well then he disapeared. i got about 5 or 6 new orders and ended up having to stay until 10 instead of 8 when i was supposed to be done. i felt so dizzy i couldnt see and i had to sit. i was in the middle of a cigarette and mike boy was like "samm you look sick dude." so i came home to my sister telling me my dad was still in delhi after a wedding they went to because he got too drunk. then he comes home. i was sitting on the computer trying to relax because i just feel so ahhh. hes like "can i have a hugg?" and i was like dad, i just dont feel good right now and i really dont feel like hugging. then he got all anal instead of just shutting up and leaving he starts going insane. hes screaming about how horrible i am and how he hates me and shit. he doesnt stop and im like "dad you are being overdramatic, stop it" and is still screaming at me for everything...like how im irresposible and do nothing...and im like okay, i take care of myself, i never see you, i work constantly, i buy my own food, i buy my own everything and i ask you for nothing. then he goes on about my sister and i buying a new computer because we were going ot put it on his future shop card and pay monthly for it...he was claiming he'd have to pay for it because we are little sneaking assholes...haha lame. so he flips over me saying "give it a break, stop being ridiculous" and calls me a dumb cunt and slams the door as loud as he can. then comes back and is like "get out of my house i dont need you or want you, stay away from me and my property, i cant stand you!!!!" and im like " you are being lame, i didnt even do anything to you.." while hes still screaming obserd things and not listening to me being calm and wondering what the fuck. so he comes over and tries to tuen off the computer on me and im like "dad stop it" so i pushed his hand and he grabs my wrist and starts twisting it and lets go to turn off the computer so im like fuck that shit so i push his hand again and he goes to grab my wrsit again and i clawed him. so he punches me in the head and starts pulling my hair out...fucker. so i get my hair out of his hands and grab his monsterous boot and just threw it in his face. then picked it up and just beat the shit out of him with it. then he grabs me and punches me and slams me into the fucking window and i caught my arm on it and its all sore and i hurt my funny bone really bad. my back was all fucked and now it feels even worse. again, i want to leave. i really wish i knew where my friends are so i can get out of here but no one ever calls me. so yeah, anyone who ever wants to save me from hell which is here, please do so...because i tried to hold my breath and pass out but it didnt work. 12| ♥

[27 Aug 2004|10:59am] i have to go to work all day and i feel really sick. its like what i ate at prince als mixed with my lifes not going anywhere, im guessing the combination isnt good because it looks really unhealthy coming out. haha 1| ♥

[26 Aug 2004|09:58am] i like the next day when you can look back at your actions the previous day before. im having a feeling i overreacted. but then i realized "oh yeah one of my best friends had a part in helping my heart get ripped out this time." so im guessing im not overreacting. i hate today, im actually sick like throwing up. so i called into work sick. i get high stress when bad things happen because all i know is for bad things to happen to me constantly. im going to have to listen to angry music run my head into a wall until i black out and vomit on my floor to feel better. thats the only thing that will make everything better. maybe i should cut out the part of my brain that has emotion. then send it to the people i dont so much care for right now, and i will make them eat it. sounds good. 8| ♥

[26 Aug 2004|03:45am] i got 99 problems but a bitch aint one. haha and thats because i hate bitches and hope they die, just all of them. it feels nice to wahs my hands with soap...ohhhh yeah. i went to the embassy. it was fun/boring/annoying. then we went to matts, watched television and then went to the park and parkie and i ventured in the forest, even though hes deathly affraid of the dark. haha he told me so many things about other things. and im angry kind of . oh well. karma, thats the one thing i think when im extrealy pissed off. like with dan, he was horrible to me and his next girl friend was a crazy girl who beat him up cheats on him and shes crazy over protective jealous. so all in all you'll get yours. but im still angry. untrusting. and always remember no matter what you try to hide, i find out everything. sucka. some people are dumb as fuck. im calling in sick to work tomorrow to spend the day having fun. and having a barbque with people i like. 1| ♥

[24 Aug 2004|10:34am] i feel shitty when you make attempts to be a good friend and always feel like shit for even trying. i wish i was strong enough to say "fuck it and fuck you too" but i'll just grin and bear it. 7| ♥

another heart to heart with my livejournal... [23 Aug 2004|01:06pm] today has made me feel good. i woke up early, refreshed from the day before, i passed back through time and rewarded myself with memories that i hold so dear. i showered and went out with my dad and sister. the last few days with my dad have been wonderful. hes funny and i think im keeping a sane mind about him by always being there to remind him he doesnt have to drink to have fun. sorry to those who have witnessed me as of latley. im a little high strung, trying to figure out what im doing next year. all i want is for school to be done, i need to really focus this time. but the whole idea i had about taking my last 8 credits and finishing is really slipping from my mind when im trying to find myself a career to hang on to while i put my future in my hands. finally they are letting me train to serve at my work. im excited, so excited to be moving up and not down for once. but now im looking at this and thinking how i cant go back for full days at school because if i want to serve i have to have my shedual free in the day time. im even just hoping i cant do two credits in the morning and make it to work on time. and other then that i have my crazy mind spinning absorbing the negativity crashing through the world. stress leaves me concerned about the smallest things and making all of that so hard for me to deal with. i somehow meet these wonderful people and then turn it all around thinking maybe they arent wonderful yet they havent done anything to me. im just caught in this web still, the one where i feel im not deserving enough to have all these wonderful things. i feel like all the negativity in my life is just not over and im stuck here feeding off of the horrible things that have happened to me. i always make an effort to be an impact on someones life because i want to help someone to help myself. see the good in myself through someone elses words and expressions toward me. and somehow i always seem to feel like i fail myself. and there are those few people that make a stand in telling me back to my face how they hold me so dear. there are some that arent affraid to say openly their thoughts and opinions about me. i wish the world acted like that more often and we werent affraid to say "i admire you for these reasons"...list them... i want to be able to just say "you are brilliant, you're strong, you're beautiful" and someone not think im coming on to them. because kind words build up the immune in our hearts and we can battle the horrible as if it were nothing. we need a common ground where we can stand and say we are all the same, we are people and we all need to feel importance, so express it. 1| ♥

[22 Aug 2004|09:36pm] tomorrow i want to go to the show and there is no one to go with at this moment in time. so someone come with me! today was the best day i've had in forever it seems...it made my life a little bit better. i went to my friends dads shop where he makes iron art work and we were buying something for my other best friends parents anniversary party and i happened to see tami for the first time in forever. so i made her spend the day with me because i was too scared to be alone. plus she knows randy and ryan as well as i do. also i wanted to take her car instead of going in my jeep because i hate it! so we get there and i see ryan wearing the most horrible outfit i have ever witnessed in all my life. but thats what country folk do, they dress bad. and i meet ryans friend collin who we called snatch because his horrible shirt said snatch on it. and we saw randy and his new convertible...sometimes i wonder why i ever broke up with him. i mean come on...black convertable-me in the convertable and at least hes the nicest boy ive ever dated and after 5 years of being broken up hes still in love with me. the day consisted of alot of drinking and talking to people i dont know, eating country food which is meat in everything probably deer and racoon...haha. i stuck to salad. tami and i left to go see her sisters new baby who i hadent seen yet, she has to have the most adorable children in the world. but its so strange seeing your childhood best friend with two children when im hardly even close to having a long term relationship. shes got a really cute house too. shes getting married to her boyfriend in november, i was invited to go with them on a cruise when the get married but i have too much shit to worry about paying for before i do that. i met ryans bitchy girlfriend, shes so terribly mean to tami. but once tami went home she started talking to me. shes lived with them since like 2 years ago because her mom kicked her out and to me its weird seeing his parents treat another girl like their daughter because they were like that to me always. things change. when we were remenising about our childhood together everyone was saying how happy they were it was over...jokingly but i miss being little and having the best people i know around me constantly. i wish i could go back to being 8 when randy and ryan lived next door and id break into their house and jump on their beds every morning. tami practically lived with me and we all planned on marrying eachother and being together as a group forever. i actually really miss having randy around all the time. and i actually am kind of upset he got a girlfriend. now we cant have our talks when we whine about how lonely we are and wish we had more time and we could date. unfortunitly our sheduals are so conflicting. its horrible. times like these make me realize how much i miss everything i once had and wish i didnt let it all go and slip away so quickly. but as i walked away to get to the car ryan gave me and hugg and said "sammy, please start calling me more often okay?" i almost cried. these people are like my safety to sanity. they are what i always had when i didnt have my mom there to hold me and i miss it way too much. its almost unbearable. enough of my whining... ♥

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